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English Humour
English Humour
Показана великолепная игра слов, которая и отличает английский язык от многих других.

Prof. – Hawkins, what is a synonym?
Stud. – It’s a word you use in place of another one when you cannot spell the other one.

The professor rapped on his desk and shouted: “Gentlemen, order!”
The entire class yelled: “Beer!”

Prof. – You missed my class yesterday, didn’t you?
Stud. – Not in the least, sir, not in the least

– If the Dean doesn’t take what he said to me this morning, I’m going to leave college.
– What did he say?
– He told me to leave college.

A son at college wrote his father:
– No mon, no fun, your son.
The father answered:
– How sad, too bad, your dad.

- A telegram from George, dear
- Well, did he pass the exam this time?
- No, but he is almost at the top of the list of those who failed.

- You study chemistry?
- No, this is my wife’s dressing-table

- My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of.
- Forgets everything, eh?
- No, remembers everything.

- Is your wife economical?
- Sometimes. She had only 26 candles on her fortieth birthday cake last night.

- Jonny, why are you late for school every morning?
- Every time I come to the corner a sign says: “School – Go slow”

- Which travel faster – heat or cold?
- Heat, because you can catch cold easily.

Caller: “I wonder if I can see your mother, little boy. Is she engaged?
-Willi: “Engaged! She’s married!”

- Do you save money for a rainy day, dear?
- Oh, no! I never shop when it rains.

- How old are you?
- I’ve just turned twenty-three
- Oh, I see, thirty-two

- Which is the strongest day of the seven?
- Sunday, ‘cause the other are week days.

- My grandfather lived to be nearly ninety and never used glasses.
- Well, lots of people prefer to drink from a bottle.

- Hey, look – the barometer’s falling!
- Tsh, tsh – probably wasn’t nailed right.

- Waiter!
- Yes, sir.
- What’s this?
- It’s bean soup, sir.
- No matter what it’s been. What is it now?

- Have you and your wife ever had any difference of opinion?
- Yes, but she didn’t know it.

- Young husband: This meat is not cooked; nor is the pie.
- Young wife: I did it like the cookery-book but as the recipe was for four people and we are two I took half of everything and cooked it for half the time it said.

Prof. – Before we begin the exam are there any questions?
Stud. – What’s the name of this course?

At a college exam a professor said: “Does the question embarrass you?”
“Not at all, sir”, replied the student, “not at all. It is the answer that bothers me”.

Prof. – Can you tell me anything about the great chemists of the 17th century?
Stud. – They are all dead, sir.

- Where have you been for the last four years?
- At college taking medicine.
- And did you finally get well?

- Lo, Jim! Fishing?
- No, drowning worms.

- Did you have any luck hunting tigers in India?
- Marvelous luck. Didn’t come across a single tiger.

- Broken off your engagement to Mary?
- She wouldn’t have me.
- You told her about your rich uncle?
- Yes. She’s my aunt now.

- Their engagement is still a secret?
- So everybody is saying.

- Why are you going to marry that police captain?
- It is against the law you know, to resist an officer.

In one of college classes the professor was unable to stay for the class, so he placed a sign on the door which read as follows: “Professor Blank will be unable to meet his classes today”.
Some college lad, seeing his chance to display his sense of humour after reading the notice, walked up and erased the “c” in the word “classes”. The professor noticing the laughter wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the sign with the “c” erased – calmly walked up and erased the “l” in “lasses’, looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.


С уважением, репетитор английского языка, Сергей Викторович

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